Hail Santa Ugly Christmas Sweater: Horns Up, Front Row, All December
Christmas starts in his house in November and it starts loud. Hail Santa is a black goat in a red Santa hat, up on a stage under the spotlights, throwing the horns while the crowd below throws them back. There is a small decorated tree at the edge of the stage that somebody put there and nobody has moved. Nobody has successfully turned the volume down and nobody is going to try.
A goat, a Santa hat, and a room that agrees
The pun is one word away from something much darker, and that is the joke. Say it out loud and half the room hears a heavy metal shout and the other half hears somebody being extremely enthusiastic about Christmas. Both readings are correct and the sweater refuses to settle the argument.
The design is the most theatrical thing in the range. Deep red spotlights rake across a black field, the crowd is rendered as rows of small shapes below the stage, and the goat sits dead centre in a red and cream knit of his own with the hat slightly askew. A band of reindeer runs along the hem, which is the range being sincere for one row.
It is printed edge to edge, so the stage lights carry over the shoulders and into the sleeves. The character was drawn as stitches before it was printed, so the whole scene reads as one knitted picture.
The Ugly Rating: 9 out of 10
Every design in our line gets an official Ugly Rating from our Chief Festivity Officer, a capybara whose calm is legendary and whose standards are not negotiable. On our scale, high numbers mean gloriously, spectacularly ugly, the kind of sweater that wins contests and frightens relatives. Low numbers mean the design leans cozy and charming rather than loud.
The CFO has awarded Hail Santa a 9 out of 10, with the official citation: “the loudest thing we have ever printed, and it is only a goat.” A 9 from the duck, who does not enjoy noise and gave it the score anyway. His note said that a design which makes two completely different people laugh for two completely different reasons has done more work than most. A 9 means it will be the most photographed thing you wear in December.
What Hail Santa comes as
Hail Santa comes in six printed forms, every one made to order in the US, with one flat price per form in every size. There is no knitted Hail Santa: our knitted range is the traditional fair-isle line. The printed forms stay orderable until December 11 for Christmas delivery, long after the knit cutoff.
For the rest of the household: the kids tee at $24.99 in youth sizes, the toddler tee at $21.99 in 2T to 5T, and the couples tee set at $49.99 for two.
Who the goat is for
Buy it for the friend whose Christmas playlist has distortion on it. Buy it for the person who has been putting the tree up on the first of November for years and has stopped apologising. Buy it for the office party, where it will be understood immediately by exactly the people you want to be understood by.
It pairs with Krampus for two of you in the darker half of the range, and it works at any gig, any party and most of January.
FAQ
When can I buy the Hail Santa sweater?
Now. Every form is live in the shop, and the VIP list hears about new designs first.
What is the deadline for Christmas delivery on the knits?
There is no knitted Hail Santa. Every Hail Santa form is printed to order in the US in three to seven days, then ships standard. It stays orderable until December 11 for Christmas delivery. Our knitted range is the traditional fair-isle line, and that is the range with the November 15 cutoff.
Is there a pet version?
Not yet. Knitted dog versions exist only in the traditional fair-isle range. Hail Santa comes as the sweatshirt, the tees and the couples sets.
Do bigger sizes cost more?
No. One price per product, every size, always. Size surcharges are a scam wearing a size label, and we refuse to run one.
The Festive Folks’ Verdict
Hail Santa is the loudest sweater in the range and the one that gets quoted back at you. It is a goat, a hat, a stage and a pun that works two ways, and it is the strongest thing we have for anyone whose Christmas has a volume knob.
